We all know what it means when a glossy envelope with fine calligraphy lands in your mailbox: Someone's getting married, and they're hoping for you to be there for the big day. While saying yes to the invitation is a relatively straightforward process, things can get a bit awkward if you're not so sure about attending.
Whatever your reasons may be — it could be cost concerns or conflicting schedules — turning down a wedding is a situation that can feel very personal. It's important to approach the refusal with tact and consideration, so there will be no unnecessary bad blood in the future.
To help you get out of these formal engagements without ruffling feathers, we've consulted Katie Balmer, wedding planner at The Balmoral, a Rocco Forte hotel and a leading wedding expert in Scotland, on how to say "thanks, but no thanks" in the most graceful way possible.
DO: Follow The Format
The level of formality should be informed by the manner of which the invitation was sent. If the offer was extended to you by mail, you should decline via post. If the message came in an evite or email, a simple email expressing your regrets will do. According to Balmer, another tip to keep tensions low is to give the bride and groom a quick call or send a hand written note — on top of sending back the formal RSVP card — to let them know why you can’t attend.
DON'T: Put Off Your Response
If you already know that you can't make it for whatever reason, don't hesitate to let the happy couple know ASAP. "It is very important to respond in good time — do not leave it until the last possible moment," says Balmer. "Otherwise, you risk adding to the couple's last-minute wedding stress as they try to finalize the guest list with the caterers and complete table plans."
Stringing the hosts along with a delayed response is bad form, and this type of inconsiderate behavior may get you off the guest list for other special occasions in the future. Most formal wedding stationery comes with an "accept" and "decline" option, so check off the box for no-go and make peace with your decision.
DO: Be Brief In Your Explanation
While it's a nice gesture to offer a reason for your refusal, there's no need to be super forthcoming and overshare. A simple and succinct response will do, and it's an especially bad idea to dwell on your rationale if it's cost-related — it will establish nothing beyond making the couple feel bad. White lies like "I can't make it because of personal reasons" or "We'll be out of town" are completely acceptable in these cases.
DON'T: Backpedal On Your Decision
Once the decision not to attend the wedding has been decided, it is crucial to stick to that decision. "Going back and forth only adds to the inconvenience for the soon-to-be newlyweds," says Balmer. "As long as you are honest, timely and appreciative, the bride and groom should understand." The wedding FOMO will be your consequence to bear.
DO: Make It Up To The Couple
Even though you'll be absent, it's still good etiquette to arrange something thoughtful for the soon-to-be newlyweds. If you're close with the couple, offering to help with the bridal shower or bachelorette party is a nice way show that you still want to be involved in the celebrations. For a less hands-on alternative, Balmer recommends sending a wedding gift from their registry to confirm your appreciation, even if you can’t be there to celebrate in person on their big day. Another surefire way to offer your congratulations? Taking the lovebirds out to a fancy dinner always works. After all, a free meal is one gift that always work in your favor.
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One year after the Pulse nightclub shooting killed 49 people and wounded 58 others, a survivor has opened up about the tragic incident and how she's using music as a way to heal.
Patience Carter, who was shot at Pulse, is one of the youngest victims. She had recently completed her sophomore year of college and headed to Orlando for a vacation with her best friend, Akyra Murray. On Carter's first night in the city, she headed to Pulse with Murray and Murray's cousin, Tiara Parker.
"At other clubs we’d been to, people would keep to themselves unless they were dancing. But at Pulse, everyone was smiling and talking to one another," Carter recalls in an article she penned for Teen Vogue. "We were feeling it."
David McNew/Getty Images
The young women had just ordered an Uber at around 2 a.m. when shots rang out in the club. Carter and Murray successfully escaped through an exit door, but they ran back inside when they realised Parker wasn't with them. After they found her, they ran into a handicap bathroom stall and hid with a group of other clubgoers.
"We were right by the door, and [Omar Mateen's] bullets were coming directly at us," Carter says. "Miraculously, his gun jammed. That’s when I realised I’d been shot in both of my legs."
After police infiltrated the building, Carter was rushed to the hospital where she went straight into surgery. The next day, she received the heartbreaking news that her best friend had died.
"In the hospital, I wrote a poem about the guilt I had for being alive. What if I’d told Akyra to wait outside when I went back for Tiara?" Carter writes. "Putting those feelings into words allowed my healing process to begin."
When Carter returned home to Pennsylvania, she turned to songwriting to cope with the trauma and grief. She wrote a song in honour of Murray, whose brother wrote a poem and rap verse to complete the track, called “Praying 4 Orlando.”
Carter is completing her media, culture, and communications degree at NYU, but she says the physical and emotional pain continues to affect her. However, she's determined to use it to create something positive.
"It’s important for me to put my feelings into songs and turn negative energy into something positive," Carter concludes. "Other survivors will listen to what I create and feel inspired to keep going. I want to make the soundtrack of their healing."
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Like any other social issue, body image is not the same around the world — and it certainly isn't discussed in the same terms, either. When photographer Yagazie Emezi visited the beaches of Liberia and spoke with local women, it quickly became clear to her that body positivity wasn't the first thing on their minds.
Although Liberian women certainly think about their bodies, there are usually more pressing issues to talk about, Emezi tells Refinery29. She adds that the cultural emphasis is placed more on how women dress than their actual bodies (though the idea that there's an ideal body type definitely persists, too).
"You could look like a super model, but that won't matter if you are dressed shabbily by Liberian standards," Emezi says. "Family members might say their daughter is too skinny or fat. Individuals can look at themselves and want to change things. But it's just approached and talked about differently."
Emezi says that speaking with these women showed her just how differently people around the world talk about bodies. Ahead, meet the women she spoke with and see how they view body image and body talk.
Interviews have been edited for length and clarity.
Royda, 30
"I am a 5'1" and a half, curvy, thicker woman, and when I add five pounds, it may look like 10. In African culture, as soon as you gain a little weight, people tend to say, 'Oh, you're getting fat,' which they think is a compliment. You're getting healthier. But it becomes a subconscious thing for me that I'm gaining weight.
"The best thing someone has said about my body, which is actually kind of weird... as I'm aging more, coming more into my '30-year-old body,' as my mother likes to call it, I hear a lot of people saying, 'You look like you're a mother,' or 'You're ready to have kids,' which is an odd thing to say, but also an honour. I think one of the greatest things in life is to be a mother and to have children. I don't know what a body that looks like a mother looks like, but I'll take that one."
Photographed by Yagazie Emezi.
Tian, 21
"People always say good things about me: that they like my body, that I have to take care of my body, that I can't get fat. That makes me feel fine. I say mainly good things when I see women, because I don't know them. You don't have to say something when you don't know the person."
Photographed by Yagazie Emezi.
Grace, 22, and Lynette, 20
Grace: "Nobody has said anything bad to me, but somebody once told me that they love my toes and that they love my hair. It made me feel good, because I do love my hair."
Lynette: "Someone once told me that I am too dry [skinny], but I don't feel too bad about it, because I am satisfied with my body. I don't pay too much attention to what other people look like. Maybe I will if I see a woman that looks nice. I think it is just our nature as women to talk about other women."
Photographed by Yagazie Emezi.
Lara, 22
"Actually, nobody has said something bad about my body. They're always telling me that I'm sexy and I just need to maintain it and look good all the time. It makes me happy, because I love my body. I love the shape."
Photographed by Yagazie Emezi.
Emily, 19
"First of all, I thank God for giving me this body. You have to love yourself the most. People say that my body is okay, that I have a slim body. I say plenty things about people but, you know, you must look at yourself first before you criticise someone else. Women might talk about other people's bodies because of jealousy."
Photographed by Yagazie Emezi.
Josephine, 19
"I feel fine about everything with my body. After I cut my hair, people criticised me and said that I looked like a man. But I felt happy when I cut my hair. I say good and bad things about women. Some women dress decent, but if you don't dress good, people will say something."
Photographed by Yagazie Emezi.
Amanda, 19
"Someone saw me once and said, 'You know, you're dry. You're not beautiful. Your body is not good-looking.' It discouraged me, made me feel bad for that day, but, within myself, I [still] felt like I was the best. I'm good-looking, and I praise myself in front of many people.
"I've criticised other women. I've told one of my friends that she doesn't look good at all. I know it made her feel bad, but I had to tell her. Honestly, it's because so many people have done it to me, so I have to do it to her."
Photographed by Yagazie Emezi.
Frances, 19
"Someone told me something very, very good about my body. It was concerning the way I dress. [How I dress is] very decent, so people admire me. It makes me feel good and relaxed. I feel really good about my body.
"I have said good and bad things about other peoples' bodies. I met a person, I didn't approach her, but I did admire her. I saw another woman and thought, 'Wow, so disgraceful.' She was wearing something that did not suit her. It wasn't nice for her. I didn't say anything to her face, but it didn't suit her."
Photographed by Yagazie Emezi.
Sarafina, 20
"People say that they like the way I walk, and I feel good about that. Most of the time, people say that they like the way I dress. No one has said anything bad about my body."
Photographed by Yagazie Emezi.
Jarraye, 18
"For me, people always say that I'm [too] slim, but I don't pay attention to them because I love the way I am. God made everyone look different. When people say bad things [about my body], I don't feel bad."
Photographed by Yagazie Emezi.
Sabawu, 19
"Someone once told me that my nose is a little bit big. At first, it really made me feel bad, but I like it like that. And I've been told that I have a good shape. I say mainly good things about women, because everyone is special in their own way. Don't criticise people by just looking at them."
Photographed by Yagazie Emezi.
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I was a fat baby, a fat kid, a fat adolescent, a fatter teen, a fat twenty-something, and I’m fat right now. I have been obsessively dieting, and gaining, and dieting for as long as I can remember: bound by the pressures of the oftentimes image-obsessed gay community which I’m in, and the wider world’s general idolisation of the thin white body. Years of bombardment from advertising, movie stars, models, and health gurus who build their empires on making you feel inadequate and insecure naturally results in deep self-loathing for any part of your body that isn’t nearing 0% fat.
This feeling of self-hatred intensifies every year, around this time, when the sun starts coming out. Everywhere you turn your body is being criticised, in this oddly seasonal context, for not being ready for the beach. People have no idea how to talk to you about fat, because fat has become synonymous with failure. And so, unable to understand or talk about why you feel so gripped by wanting to remove those extra pounds, even though you can’t bloody afford a beach holiday anyway, you begin down the diet road.
But not this year. This year I was lucky enough to properly discover fat activism, and I realised that once I flooded my social media feeds with bodies that are much more like mine, I felt far more comfortable in my body, as well as supported and validated in my choice to start reframing my relationship with it.
In this article are some of the most iconic, rad, beautiful women and men (to be clear: I'm not pictured) who reject the mainstream idea that thin equals beautiful. The more imagery I consumed of fat people like me, the more I began to appreciate my fat belly and my big back – the things my body does, not what it looks like. I thought so much about the hours, and the tears, spent starving myself, taking stupid gimmicky gym classes that I despised, and the sheer energy and breath wasted talking about what I wanted to change about my body. I decided to commit to channelling that energy into things that are actually important, and not a waste of life.
A big worry I always had was whether someone would want to fuck me, because my fat always made me feel unfuckable. But then I look at my track record, and my now-boyfriend, and I’ve had that insecurity disproved on countless occasions.
These realisations seem simple but when the world has pushed your grip on reality through the size zero prism, it’s pretty hard to see the woods through the fat. To broaden the conversation, I reached out to some of my fat activism icons to share their perspectives on how to deconstruct the toxic institution that is the ‘Summer Body’. So take it from me, and them, that it’s easier than you think, and also way more satisfying.
I think that the idea of slimming down for summer is the result of these 'Celeb Summer Body' articles you get in women's lifestyle magazines. Around this time of year, we are inundated with images of celebrity bodies on the beach on the front covers of magazines, with headlines either telling us to get in shape to look like them, or to body shame the women for daring to have cellulite or a bit of a tummy. We've slowly been brainwashed that summer should be synonymous with being slim, which is ridiculous.
The ‘perfect summer body’ is a damaging ideology sold to the masses by the diet industry in order to profit from women's insecurities. We all already have the 'summer' body; it's the same body that takes us through spring, winter, and autumn. This notion that you 'have' to lose weight in order to enjoy the weather is toxic and negative, and only reinforces fatphobic values.
There is also this incorrect assumption that being a fat person of colour is seen as 'more acceptable' within our own communities as opposed to the mainstream. The result of this is those fat bodies of colour are grossly underrepresented within the mainstream media, because there are defined standards around our bodies that categorise us in opposition to whiteness and white bodies.
Kaye Ford
Society seems to narrow down the black female body as consisting of 'boobs and butt' – thus objectifying and sexualising us, while equally ignoring an entire demographic of women who do not fit the stereotypical 'black hourglass' shape. It is these women who need to feel represented within the media. The black female body exists in our culture at a complicated intersection of hyper-visibility and hyper-sexuality. Body positivity, like most movements white women have made themselves the champions of, was never intended to include black women. If a few rogue white feminists decide to defend black female bodies, that's fine, but we all know that body positivity is for white women.
So, I lean myself more towards fat activism than body positivity, as body positivity is now at a point where there is a mass exclusion of the very bodies that helped create the movement in the first place, and it now seems to centre on the white, hourglass-shaped, beautiful, socially 'acceptable' fat woman. In order for body positivity to thrive, it needs to be intersectional.
Fat activism has helped me in that it has given me the confidence to accept and love my body for what it is. We are normal. It helps us to remember that we deserve to be treated with the same amount of respect as our non-fat counterparts get. Fat activism fights for inclusivity, respect, justice and increased visibility of all fat bodies. We can be fat AND beautiful and it does not make us any less worthy as human beings.
I already have a summer body because there is no way on Earth that I will let my enjoyment of summer or how I exist in my skin be defined by a culture that can't accept fat bodies. I spent far too many years sweltering in the heat of summer, covered up in jeans and a cardigan – and why? All because society told me that I couldn't slay in shorts or be a bombshell in a bikini. I've grown to love my body in its entirety – I love how soft it is, how it looks and mostly, I love how the sun feels on my skin when I'm free from my own judgements.
That said, it’s so difficult to ignore the messages that are thrown at us about dieting and fitness – and even more so when the summer months roll around. I have learnt that my worth is not defined by the shape or size of my body, nor what I choose to eat. These messages aren't going to go away overnight; and sometimes we have to grab life by the lapels and go for something – even if it scares us and in spite of what the media is telling us.
Forcing myself to go out with my arms bare, my legs free and my mind strong was probably one of the best things that I did to boost my self-esteem in the summer. I realised that no one really cared about my body and if they did, I was having too much fun existing in the body that I call home to notice.
My body does some amazing things; because of my body I can walk, swim, dance and so much more! My body doesn’t exist to be judged or objectified by others. I owe a lot to the fat acceptance movement and the understanding I have developed of the impact of social norms and beauty ideals on one’s body image; I am now free to enjoy my body, and the summer weather, as I see fit.
In terms of practical steps, the work of body positive advocates and fat activists such as Virgie Tovar and The Militant Baker are excellent to refer to, whether you’re at the beginning of your journey or well versed. Unlearning the negative behaviours and prejudices that we are taught by society can seem like a lengthy task, but it’s worth the wait.
My body isn't seasonal. I don't change it out and move to the back of my closet. My body isn't trendy; my body is my vessel through life. I love that my body helps me to experience life, why would I punish something that does that? I don't like to focus on parts of my body because I feel like that is letting diet culture into my world to disrespect my being. It's not just parts of my body that experience my daily life, it is my entire being. All of my body is worthy of love and respect just as it exists.
Photo: Samantha Figueroa
My advice to those who are tempted by diet culture during this part of the year is this: report ads that make you feel uncomfortable, unfollow models/bloggers/celebrities that actively support diet culture, and be aware of how it can manifest in your personal relationships. As humans, we are continuously changing, growing, morphing into different people through our years. Succumbing to diet culture isn't natural, however. Forcing your body through mental and physical obstacles for fleeting exterior beauty is pointless when all we should do is look inward and begin to love ourselves as we currently exist.
We’re conditioned to believe by mass media that a beautiful body can only be one very narrow ideal that so many of us don’t fit into – slim, white, cis – and this ‘beach body ready’ nonsense kicks it all into gear at the same time every year. It’s so hard to not let these negative voices get to you, especially when everywhere you turn you’re basically being told you're not good enough. Whenever I feel those negative thoughts come back and have them be reinforced by this horrible seasonal push in diet and exercise plans, I remind myself that there is no wrong way to have a body. Just because you don’t look like people in magazines/ads (even these models don’t – they’ve been photoshopped to oblivion!) doesn’t mean your body is any less magnificent just the way it is.
Photo: Darnell Temenu
I used to berate myself constantly for the way I looked in a bikini and would compare myself to others constantly but I now know that my body is beautiful in its own right, and it’s crucial we remind ourselves of exactly that. Society says I should hide my big thighs because they're apparently a 'problem area' but I love them the most; we must also remind ourselves problem areas are socially constructed! I already have a summer body because I have a body. I have a bikini body by *dramatic drum roll* putting on a bikini. It is really that simple. We are all so beautiful and we can rock anything we want, no matter what size we are. Every body is beautiful, especially those that are told they are not via media erasure, racism, ableism, transphobia and fatphobia.
Photo: Darnell Temenu
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First previewed backstage at the Halpern show during London Fashion Week back in February, legendary hairstylist Sam McKnight 's eagerly awaited product line has finally landed.
The first drop of launches – a selection of hairsprays to help master any hairstyle – are the result of four decades in the industry, bringing to fruition McKnight’s ideas that have been developed over years of experience on countless shoots and shows, from British Vogue to Chanel and Burberry.
The product range arrives just a few months after Somerset House's major exhibition, Hair bySamMcKnight, which celebrated the hair supremo's remarkable 40-year career. The first exhibition of its kind, it explored the relationships between McKnight and key collaborators: photographers such as Nick Knight and Patrick Demarchelier, models including Kate Moss, Naomi Campbell, Kendall Jenner and Christy Turlington, and designer Karl Lagerfeld.
So if you're looking to emulate the hair of Kate Moss or Kendall Jenner this summer, clear some space in your beauty cabinet for these hero products, available from 12th June at Liberty. "I'm aiming to inject a bit of modern effortless into hair. I have created a collection of hair products that are individually hyper-effective yet the sophisticated formulas work together and can be layered," McKnight explains. "They create hold, volume and texture, with easy speed and brushability. These are my ultimate dry styling products, and this is just the beginning. Hair by Sam McKnight is the culmination of my experience backstage and on shoots, delivered in a can." But if you're put off by the thought of a horrible hairspray smell, McKnight has that base covered, enlisting the help of his friend Lyn Harris, who founded perfume brand Miller Harris, to formulate a delicious fragrance.
Click on to find out more about the four individual sprays and how to use them, with tips from Sam McKnight himself...
EASY UP-DO
The must-have base for any type of braid, bun or chignon, this will make creating an up-do so much easier. “This is 20 hair pins in a can, making those effortless-looking up-dos easily achievable. The product changes the texture of your hair. It gives your hair body, hold and bite."
Hair By Sam McKnight Easy Up-Do, £25, available at Liberty
COOL GIRL
A lightweight texturising spray for mussed-up, deconstructed texture. “It’s rock’n’roll and sexy: the hair that everyone wants. A barely-there texturiser that gives style that lasts all day. Cool Girl gives you just enough to create that slightly undone feel. My signature look in a bottle."
Hair By Sam McKnight Cool Girl, £25, available at Liberty
MODERN HAIRSPRAY
A firm-hold hairspray with a brushable formula – it’s a hairspray that allows for mistakes. “The perfect multi-tasker. This hairspray will get you through the whole day, but also brushes out if you need it to. You can use it to curl, set, straighten, hold, add shine and volume. It’s a real game changer.”
Hair By Sam McKnight Modern Hairspray, £22, available at Liberty
LAZY GIRL
The ultimate dry shampoo to give hair volume and longevity between washes. “My dream dry shampoo. It’s an ultra-light powder mist. A styling product in its own right. Perfect for those lazy days but it also gives you volume and hold."
Hair By Sam McKnight Lazy Girl, £19, available at Liberty
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Remember Wife Swap? The concept was simple: make the matriarchs of two very different families trade places for a week and let chaos ensue. Most of the time, viewers could expect temper tantrums from the kids and fiery flare-ups between the new spouses.
Well, would you believe it – the legendary reality show is returning for the first time in eight years with a one-off Brexit special on Thursday 15th June, the Radio Times reported.
The hour-long episode features two couples from each side of the Brexit debate, with vastly different views on immigration, class and racism.
In the Remain camp is Kat Boettge, a Green Party councillor with dual nationality who lives in rural Nottinghamshire with her partner Roger and daughter Sophie, 17. She will swap lives with Pauline, a Ukip campaigner who lives with her husband Andy and daughter Katie, 14, on Canvey Island, the area with the third highest Leave vote in the country.
Photo: Richard Ansett/Dave King Courtesy of Chanel 4
Wife Swap, which first aired in 2003, ran for six seasons and was exported overseas. The US version, in particular, was a corker.
Emily Jones, a commissioning editor at Channel 4, said: " Wife Swap was largely about how people chose to run their homes, but it always had political undertones," reported the BBC. "Now the world has changed and recent events have brought political issues into the heart of every household."
If you're close to anyone who voted differently from you in the EU referendum, you'll probably be able to relate to the familial drama the topic can cause. We've had our fair share of angry dinner-table debates on the benefits and drawbacks of the single market.
To say the public was unenthused by the idea of President Donald Trump visiting Britain would be an understatement. Nearly two million people signed a petition against it and campaigners said they’d stage the largest anti-racism protest in British history in response.
Well, Trump seems to have heeded our complaints and gotten scared, reportedly telling Theresa May over the phone that he doesn’t want to come to Britain if there will be large-scale protests against him, TheGuardian reported.
A Downing Street adviser, who was in the room when Trump called the prime minister in recent weeks, said the US president wanted to put the state visit on hold until the British public supports it. May was apparently surprised by his position. This means he probably won’t be coming for a pretty long time.
The reports come less than a week after Trump’s very public spat with London Mayor Sadiq Khan following the London Bridge terror attack, which culminated in Khan calling for the president’s state visit to be cancelled. Trump had criticised Khan’s response to the attack by misquoting the London mayor on Twitter.
Trump’s own acting ambassador to Britain, Lewis Lukens, then sided with Khan, saying he commended the London mayor's “strong leadership”, which didn't go down well with Trump supporters.
Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has welcomed the reports of Trump's decision to pull out of the visit, saying on Twitter it was the right decision in light of "[Trump's] attack on London's mayor" and his withdrawal from the Paris Climate Agreement.
Cancellation of President Trump's State Visit is welcome, especially after his attack on London's mayor & withdrawal from #ParisClimateDeal.
US administration officials denied that Trump was waiting for support from the British public, however. Instead, he simply "does not feel like" visiting, they told the BBC.
Downing Street said it wouldn't "comment on speculation about the contents of private phone conversations" but said there had been "no change" to his planned trip. "The Queen extended an invitation to President Trump to visit the UK and there is no change to those plans," a spokesman said.
Needless to say, the news of the cancellation went down well with many Brits, including MPs, on Twitter.
How about never Donald? Never is good for me. We will march, we will protest and we will say not in our name. ✊️https://t.co/ahLO3NyP3o
*Refinery29 does not condone or encourage the use of non-evidence-based medicines like kambo in any way.
I turned up to the ceremony, two litres of water tucked under each arm. I knocked on the door of the grand west London flat that was moonlighting as a holistic retreat. I already felt woozy – you’re not allowed to eat for eight hours before you arrive – and as the practitioner opened the door, I was engulfed by a waft of incense which made my empty stomach lurch pre-emptively. “Welcome sister, come in.”
I was trying kambo for the first time. It was something I hadn’t even known existed until the week before, when I’d pointed at the three symmetrical holes on my friend’s ankle and asked her what they were. “Kambo,” she’d said, as she tried to scratch around the forming scab. They looked like fag burns. “It’s a healing ritual from South America using frog poison. You vomit loads and then feel amazing. It’s changed my life.”
This was the first time I’d heard about people giving alternative healing preference over Western medicines. I had friends who’d dabbled in San Pedro or ayahuasca in South America but I hadn’t thought that it had much to do with healing, and more to do with tripping balls on your gap year. For that reason, I practically laughed in my friend’s face when she told me about kambo but, later that night, I found myself scouring the internet for information, curious to learn more about its supposedly "life-changing" properties.
Like ayahuasca, kambo has been used as a medicine for years by Panoan tribes in the Amazon. Secretions from the giant leaf frog are harvested – ethically, the kambo blogs assure me – then the top layer of your skin is burned away and the poison is introduced to lymph nodes which carry the kambo round your body. The ritual's MO is to be violently sick, expelling the toxins the kambo has extracted from your body. The Panoan tribes use it before a hunt, to clear the mind and sharpen the senses, as well as for treating snake bites and tropical diseases.
Now, however, kambo is being used by some in the West as a tool to help with mental and physical illnesses. Dr. Dennis McKenna, professor at the Centre for Spirituality and Healing at the University of Minnesota, told me that this rise is part of a growing phenomenon and, reading through countless blogs written by kambo advocates, I had to agree.
I couldn't find much about the hard science of kambo – something to do with peptides. Any written evidence is flimsy at best. Worryingly, Dr. McKenna explained to me that the peptides in kambo were “potentially useful, but also dangerous” and The Royal College of General Practitioners told me that they don’t condone the use of “non-evidence-based medicine”. I also stumbled across a few stories where people had died while using kambo, although these seemed to be lone wolves using the poison in the wrong way, ie. ingesting it through your blood or orally, or taking too much.
What the fuck was I doing? I was in a random basement with total strangers, about to be given a substance with absolutely no proven medical value.
What really struck me were the testimonies. I scrolled through pages and pages of people thanking their kambo practitioner and urging everyone else to try it. People who’d suffered with addiction, ME, chronic diseases; people recovering from cancers – this frog poison seemed to have transformed their lives. I found an interview with Teresa, the practitioner my friend had seen, where she spoke about how she’d suffered with depression her whole life. She’d tried anything that doctors and friends would recommend, only for the illness to tighten its hold. But since first using kambo she’d felt a shift; through more sessions, her depression lifted and she became a kambo practitioner to treat people who felt like they were out of alternatives.
In Britain, young people have the second worst mental health in the world; we’re in the midst of a mental health crisis compounded by dwindling services for those who are engulfed in it. I knew this first-hand. Events over the past two years had left me in a bad way. Going from not having experienced anxiety or depression to feeling them both so intensely all the time was scary. After trying for weeks on end to get an appointment with my GP, I changed my practice. After seeing a new doctor I faced a lengthy waiting list for pressed NHS services and, not feeling well enough to wait up to six months, I was referred to a charity that ran counselling. When that fell through because of funding cuts I finally shelled out for a private therapist, with whom I didn’t make much headway and couldn’t afford to continue seeing once our sessions were up. It was awful. Finding help had taken me over a year and actually getting somewhere healthier seemed impossible.
So when I read about this "miracle" treatment, my interest was piqued – even if there were risks attached. Sure, the friend who’d recommended it also believed in the healing power of crystals, but I was desperate. I emailed the practitioner my friend had recommended and booked for a "kambo circle" the following week. Those tiny holes in her ankle seemed a small price to pay for a shot at mental clarity.
Illustrated by Ellie Blackwell.
Inside the flat, an array of giant earthy-coloured pouffes and blankets was set out in the front room. A tiny shrine in the fireplace, complete with a porcelain frog statue, housed the kambo resin on a piece of carved wood. Four buckets in bright colours were stacked ominously in the corner. Teresa led me over to one of the pouffes and introduced me to the other guy who would complete our circle. He was in his 40s and looked like he’d probably done a lot of drugs in his lifetime.
Teresa carefully explained each part of the ceremony, step by step. The highlight was learning that if you needed to "bottom purge" you had to crawl to the bathroom because of the drop in blood pressure you get. Great. I had mixed feelings; I didn’t really want these strangers to watch me expel bodily fluids. Sensing my apprehension, she turned to me. “Kambo is an intense experience, but it works fast,” she smiled.
We opened the space with a prayer to the spirit of kambo and I quickly realised a lot of my time would be spent holding hands and following sacred rituals. I reluctantly sung the kambo song. We then had to state our intentions, something that’s done with ayahuasca, too – you explain why you’re there and what you’re hoping to get out of it. In case you’re wondering, the haggard guy said he was there to “reset” so he could continue smoking DMT on the regular.
Since arriving, we’d been instructed to chug our water down. Mr. DMT had finished so Teresa turned to him and after burning a couple of test points into his skin to see how his body reacted to the "medicine", she sat close to him and asked him what he was feeling.
I have to say that the worst part of my whole kambo experience was this guy. Pretty soon after the first points were administered, he lost colour and closed his eyes. He started to dry heave. The end game is to be very, very sick, so you basically have to keep administering points until you spew. She gave him a couple more. Apparently when you work with kambo regularly, you’ll have a set number of points, kinda like a golf handicap – but working out that sweet spot was proving difficult.
Kambo users say that depending on what chakra you’re working with, you can throw up all colours of the rainbow. I later Googled what I threw up and I was pretty sure it was just bile, but it’s a nice idea.
I sat opposite, trying to meditate as I was told… but feeling more and more freaked out. What the fuck was I doing? I was in a random basement with total strangers, about to be given a substance with absolutely no proven medical value, which could kill in the wrong hands. Teresa gave him a few more points and turned to me: “Best get you going too, then.”
I was way too far down the rabbit hole so I closed my eyes and rolled up my trouser leg. The burns are always on "meridians" and "chakras" and which one you choose depends on your intentions; traditionally, women get their first kambo points on the inside of their right ankle. Teresa pressed what looked like a smoking matchstick into my skin, then rolled three tiny balls of the resin into the burns. I sat back and waited, trying to block out the man's groans.
I started to feel extremely hot. Rising from my ankle through my body, my blood felt like it was coursing through me at 10 times its normal speed. My cheeks burned and I felt a pressure build in my head like a balloon. I touched my face, to feel it puffed-up and swollen like a frog. The irony. The pressure mounted then dropped back through my body, leaving my heart throbbing in my ears. As it subsided, nausea crept into my belly and gripped my throat. I didn’t need any more points, thank god, I was going to be sick.
Heaving into the bucket, bitter black bile diluted the clear watery substance that I’d just thrown up. “That’s good, that’s all the toxins you’ve purged” the practitioner said, encouragingly. I attempted to look up at her but my eyes were watering and my face was puffy, and she looked pityingly back as I threw up more. Kambo users say that depending on what chakra you’re working with, you can throw up all colours of the rainbow. I later googled what I threw up and I was pretty sure it was just bile, but it’s a nice idea. Finally, I heard the other guy fill his bucket and his groaning stopped. 20 minutes later it was all over and I was huddled in the foetal position under a throw that smelt like hemp and Nag Champa.
My heart sank and I realised I’d been mugged for 60 quid. At least I hadn’t died, I thought.
Waking up the following day, I felt much the same as I had previous months. My heart sank and I realised I’d been mugged for 60 quid. At least I hadn’t died, I thought, and got on with my morning. As the day progressed, I started to feel increasingly energetic and focused, confident. For the next 48 hours I felt invincible. It was a marked difference in my daily mental state – I couldn’t believe it. It didn’t last forever, though; after a few days I slipped back into the same patterns of thoughts and feelings, but those who claim it’s really helped them continue to do kambo in rounds. Maybe I needed more?
The sceptic in me didn’t buy into the ceremonial side of kambo, but I doubt I would have had the same experience sticking it in my leg solo on the bathroom floor. Nor would I have felt safe. The ritual is an important part of it. I’m sure a degree of kambo is psychosomatic – but so what? Does that matter, if it genuinely helps people? Being in a space where someone is so focused on helping you on a level I’d not experienced before felt great. Teresa messaged the day after to check in on me. Dr. McKenna agreed that “placebo is important in the dynamics of healing” but added that whether it was important “in kambo or ayahuasca is not clear.”
30 years ago, the Brazilian pit viper’s venom revolutionised medicine. A synthetic strain of the poison was introduced to blood pressure tablets and continues to save millions of lives. The snake’s poison had been used in the Amazon as medicine for decades before pharmaceutical companies paid it any attention. Currently, there’s interest in kambo from the same type of companies; flash-forward another 30 years – might we see a chemical strain of kambo being used to treat addiction? Or chronic conditions? Mental illness? I have no idea. But I’m already booked in for my next session.
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For those who have been trying to fill a Wes Anderson-shaped hole since 2014's Grand Budapest Hotel, here's a little something to tide you over until his next movie, Isle of Dogs, which comes out next year.
Over the weekend, on Reddit, a relatively new and teeny tiny subreddit called Accidental Wes Anderson hit the big time when user Nekhera posted this picture of a North Korean conference room which seems to have jumped straight off the set of one of the director's iconic films.
Since then, the subreddit has grown to nearly 20,500 subscribers and over 100 other pictures reminiscent of films like Moonrise Kingdom, The Royal Tenenbaums and Rushmore have also been submitted.
This is not the first time North Korean interiors have been singled out for their similarity to Wes Anderson films – Dazed first noted the parallels back in 2015. Thanks to r/AccidentalWesAnderson, though, we're discovering style-alikes all over the world.
From a train on the Flåm Railway, a two-hour journey through some of Norway's most beautiful scenery, starting at Myrdal high mountain station and ending up in Flåm, in the midwest of Norway.
This ballet class in North Korea
Another one from the closely guarded country.
This café in Canada
Part of the Diefenbunke r in Ottawa, a 100,000-square-foot bunker built during the Cold War to house 535 Canadian government and military officials in the event of a nuclear war. It is now a museum.
This underground bunker in Las Vegas
Another relic from the Cold War, this house looks normal at street level but conceals much more below ground. It recently sold for $1.7 million.
These barracks in Puerto Rico
Ballajá Barracks, located in San Juan. They were restored in 1986.
This building in Canada
Located at 103 Princess Street in Winnipeg, near the American border with North Dakota.
This hotel in Jordan
Located right next to the gates of Petra, Hotel Petra Moon is a popular place for tourists visiting one of the new seven wonders of the world.
This lounge on board the Hindenburg
As the real Hindenburg met a sticky end when it burst into flames on one of its first voyages in 1937, this photo is of a recreation of what it would have looked like.
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Sandra is a 29-year-old London-based designer and has been to 12 weddings in the past two-and-a-half years. At every single one she’s been expected to pay for her own drinks.
This isn’t a quirk of her friendship group. According to a survey by wedding planning app Bridebook, only 21% of couples offer an open bar at their wedding, but for people outside of Sandra’s demographic, this is an odd phenomenon. Marisa is 39 and her job as a business consultant has meant she’s lived in Paris, Vancouver, Lithuania and southern Spain over the last eight years. “I’ve been to many weddings in many countries I’ve lived in and of course everything is paid for. In France, it would seem crazy to have to pay for your own drinks at a wedding. Very vulgar,” she said.
Geraldine, who got married at 22 in the early 1990s near Guilford, also felt that paying for her guests’ food and drink was non-negotiable. “When I got married it was either a church or a registry office, followed by a reception at a hotel. Weddings were very formulaic — there was little room for individuality. We were given a price by the venue and we didn’t consider making any changes, really. Every other wedding at the time was pretty similar.”
But now people getting married have endless choices when it comes to their wedding, and couples are increasingly using it as a way to express their creativity. The Bridebook survey also showed that 1 in 5 weddings in 2016 had a dedicated hashtag to use on social media when sharing photos and videos. Founder Hamish Shephard thinks this is an important factor in couples’ priorities, as they are a lot more image conscious than previous generations.
He said: “Couples can wait until the absolute last minute — even the night before the wedding — to decide whether to pay for drinks or not. So many couples overspend on their budget that when it comes to shelling out an extra three or four thousand pounds for drinks, it can make more sense to let guests buy their own. It won’t affect their enjoyment of the day and each individual will be spending a fairly small amount.”
Joe Blackman has been a wedding planner for ten years, and is the founder of events company Collection26. He agrees with this suggestion. “For most couples, it becomes a choice between paying for their guests’ drinks but maybe sacrificing on something else like flowers or the dream venue, and they’re already spending so much money on their guests that it’s hard to justify another huge expense like that.”
While weddings are becoming increasingly expensive and often unattainable to young couples, the cost of being a wedding guest has also skyrocketed. Sandra, the designer who’s attended twelve of them, explains: “For most weddings there’s a hen do which is either abroad or in another part of the country, so I pay for travel, accommodation and all the activities which have been chosen. Most weddings aren’t in London either, so you’re looking at train journeys and at least one night in a hotel. Then there’s the taxis to and from the venue, the outfits — you can’t really wear the same dress more than once, at least not within the same friendship group — and of course a wedding gift and drinks on the day.” Sandra said being a bridesmaid, which she has been twice, can increase the cost even further, and estimates she’s spent at least £5,000 on attending all these weddings, which — ironically — is money she could have put towards a free bar at her own wedding, which she’s currently planning. But she thinks paying for drinks is a perfectly reasonable way for her to contribute to the cost of the weddings she attends, regardless of how extravagant they are.
“I’d be shocked if I went to a wedding where I didn’t have to buy my own drinks. It would be nice of course, but also slightly uncomfortable for me. Sort of like when you go out for dinner and your friend pays while you’re not looking — why couldn’t we just split the bill?” she said. “Alcohol is expensive and my friends drink quite a lot. We don’t expect people to pay for that, even at weddings. They give us a couple of drinks and a nice meal, and I think that’s fair enough. Buying more drinks is my choice”
Abi got married in Wales last year aged 26. While she was certainly conscious of the expense to her guests, she and her now-husband made the choice to not offer a free bar all night. “We had a relatively small budget of around £6,000 and we wanted to make sure we could save wherever possible,” she said. “We actually found a Groupon deal for our venue. We didn’t have flowers, which can be so expensive, and instead filled vases up with pick’n’mix for table centrepieces. We provided a meal and a couple of drinks for each guest but anything more would have been impossible,” said Abi. They didn’t ask for gifts and made sure that accommodation in the area and transport to the wedding was affordable, so that their guests had a nice day without worrying about the cost.
Young people getting married in the UK are increasingly eschewing tradition in favour of more unique, original, and yes, Instagram-worthy weddings, but this comes at a cost. With everyone in the same boat, it seems letting people pay their way when it comes to drinks is not just socially acceptable, but even preferable to many guests, who would rather shell out for a few glasses of wine than have to come up with appropriate gifts and worry about repaying the favour when their turn comes around.
Photo: Brogues Cozens-Mcneelance/EyeEm.
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Nike’s iconic Cortez is celebrating its 45th anniversary this year, and yet the lifestyle trainer seems as fresh as ever. The brand has given the round-toed shoe a birthday update with perforated white leather and gold detailing, ushering the Cortez Classic Premium QS into 2017. The trainer has a long cultural history, starting with a ‘70s Farrah Fawcett skateboarding through teenage boys’ dreams in denim flares. While made to be a sport shoe – it was unveiled at the 1972 Munich Olympics and worn by Team USA athletes – its slick and simple design has been referenced everywhere from The Karate Kid to Forrest Gump, and worn by Whitney Houston, Eazy-E and Kendrick Lamar alike.
As part of Nike’s Beautiful X Powerful Collection, who better to wave in the shoe’s renewal than the face of the moment, Bella Hadid. The 20-year-old shot the campaign in LA, proving how versatile the shoe is, styling it with silk dresses and bomber jackets, joggers and running jackets. Then there’s the homage to Fawcett: Bella in a red wraparound sports bra and denim kick flares, riding on a longboard. “I love skating. When I was younger in Malibu my friends would teach me how to skate and we’d mess around with it, so it was fun being on set and be ok with falling,” Hadid explains.
Photo: Courtesy of Nike.com
Sitting down with the model after a Q&A she gave to hundreds of fans who had been waiting in anticipation at the Nike store in Paris, it’s easy to forget how young she is and, with 13.5 million Instagram followers, how many eyes are watching her. She’s strong and successful, but does the weight of being a role model feel heavy on her shoulders? “It’s crazy because even the people that look up to me are older than me. I’m still growing, and that’s the hardest part, because if you’re in the spotlight you’re immediately an adult. I’m still learning how to deal with that,” she explains. “It’s hard. The things I’d do is the same shit other 20-year-olds in college would do, but it’s different for me because people are watching. I work as hard as I can, and strive to be the best that I can be, so I can be the best role model for others.”
It must help to have a mother, sister and friends who know so well how the industry works. “That’s how I unwind. I’ll come home with all my luggage, and my girlfriends are usually already at my apartment waiting for me, and we sit and watch movies and order in. I just like being as normal as I can possibly be with my girlfriends, who tell me to shut the fuck up because they don’t care. It brings me back down, being with my people.” She’s sweet, humble and grounded, and actually, talking with her is like talking with a friend. She looks incredible, of course, in a Nike cropped roll neck and white tracksuit bottoms, making the athleisure lifestyle look appealing to even the most dedicated Dr. Martens wearer. How would she style the Cortez? “What’s so dope about these shoes is that they’re so versatile. You can style them with a T-shirt and Levi’s and you look like you’re fresh out of the ‘90s; I wore them with a beautiful little white silk dress; and of course, it completes a cool workout outfit. They elevate everything, it’s such an iconic shoe.”
Bella’s meteoric rise has been mirrored in the interest garnered by her personal style. Walking for fashion giants like Marc Jacobs, Balmain, Chanel and Alexander Wang must have an influence on your sartorial choices. “It’s funny, I just looked at a picture from when I was 15 and my style is so similar. Except I just used to wear vintage clothes, I wouldn’t buy designer stuff, and I wear more heels now. I’ve always worn a lot of leather and sneakers, though.” With a penchant for streetwear and a good pair of sunglasses, Bella’s fans are just as obsessive about what she wears on a Sunday as to the Met Gala. When she’s worked with so many esteemed brands, what drew her to the Nike campaign? “It’s crazy because I’ve always loved Nike, it just always seemed untouchable. But the shoot in LA was so much fun, and what’s so cool about working with the brand – it’s not about looking perfect and polished. It’s about activity, being yourself and being powerful.”
The shooting claimed the lives of 49 people and left 53 injured. About 90% of the victims killed were Latinx, with 23 of them being Puerto Rican. Starting in the early hours Monday, and continuing almost 24 hours later, survivors, victims' families, city officials, and central Florida residents will remember the victims with four services.
The first service was closed to the public, and was held at the nightclub for survivors, local officials, and club employees. It overlapped with the exact time that gunman Omar Mateen began firing shots — a little after 2 a.m. on June 12, 2016.
It will be followed by another midday service at the nightclub, and an evening gathering in the heart of downtown Orlando. A final, music-filled late-night service is being held at Pulse.
Mateen pledged allegiance to the Islamic State during the attack and was eventually killed by police during a shootout after a three-hour standoff. His wife, Noor Salman, is facing charges of aiding and abetting and obstruction in federal court, and she has pleaded not guilty to helping her husband.
On Monday, local churches throughout Orlando have arranged for church bells to ring simultaneously, 49 times at noon.
Local officials also have declared the one-year mark as a day of "love and kindness," and they are encouraging residents to volunteer or perform acts of compassion.
An exhibit of artwork collected from memorial sites set up around Orlando after the massacre will be shown at the Orange County History Centre, and a giant rainbow, gay-pride flag will be unveiled at the Orange County government building.
Not all the survivors planned to attend the events, saying it would be too difficult.
"There's going to be so many things going on that I feel it will be overwhelming for those affected," said Ricardo Negron, who managed to escape the club without physical harm after the shooting started.
Demetrice Naulings said he would likely go to some of the commemorative events but he wasn't looking forward to it. Naulings also escaped from the club but lost his best friend, who was fatally shot.
"Seeing all of the other people from the club, I'm pretty sure the hugs will be teary. I'm not looking forward to that," Naulings said. "I'm not looking for 'I'm sorry.' I feel like that doesn't help me. I feel like that is pity and I don't want pity."
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As someone more into pizza than probiotics, I've never given the Goop lifestyle much thought. Well, I have — but I've perused the site just long enough to deduce that it was not for me. In fact, if you told me just a month ago that I would be spending my Saturday at Gwyneth Paltrow's wellness retreat, aptly named In Goop Health, I may have laughed. (Or at least asked you where I got the extra $500 (£400) to spend on the day-long event.) Alas, my Saturday was spent blending in as best as possible with the healthy (and likely hella wealthy) Goop worshippers — and it was completely surreal.
I have lived in the capital of juice cleanses and $45 spin classes — a.k.a. Los Angeles — for about three years now, but I've somehow been able to avoid the major lifestyle overhaul that so many L.A. transplants so often dish about on Instagram. Paltrow herself was once one of those people. During one of the many panels the Iron Man actress moderated over the course of the day, she shared that she aligned herself with healthier living following her father's cancer diagnosis. It inspired her to put down the Camel Reds (which she admitted more than once she'll pick up at the occasional party because, hey, who's perfect?) and pick up the gluten-free, dairy-free zucchini bread. (Her father told her it was like "biting into the New York Times.")
Photo: Marc Patrick
Today, Paltrow's lifestyle blog Goop boasts articles like "Is Your Clothing Toxic?" and "12 (More) Reasons To Start A Jade Egg Practice." It's not hard to see why the actress has been criticised for promoting pseudo-science — some would even say misinformation — leading to online articles like "Don't Take Medical Advice From Gwyneth Paltrow" and "Is Gwyneth Paltrow Wrong About Everything?" Yet for all the jokes that the media has made at the star's expense (some earned, many not) she has legions of fans — ones so loyal they shelled out either $500, $1,000, or $1,500 to participate in Saturday's festivities.
Much of the crowd that gathered at 3Labs, a super-chic warehouse space in Culver City, California, looked a lot like Paltrow herself: trendy blondes with either amazing genetics and/or a fantastic skincare regimen. The latter you could score yourself, if you've got a few hundred dollars to drop: The event contained the "Goop Hall," a place to purchase many of the products featured on the blog, as well as the company's own Goop line of clean beauty products. I was afraid to touch the $110 bottles of moisturiser.
Along the edges of the space were food vendors from a variety of Los Angeles restaurants, which quickly became my favourite part of the day. I started the day with a cup of iced matcha before moving on to some overnight oats and ginger shots. By lunch, I was ready to feast. Why, yes, I would like a second KyeRito. Raspberry vegan ice cream with cinnamon roll chunks? Don't mind if I do. A Sweetgreen salad to hold me over until the next panel? Hand me that Goop-branded wooden fork, because I'm digging in.
Photo: Emma Feil
As a member of the Lapis clan — the cheapest ticket one could buy, or, in this case, acquire a press pass for — I had the opportunity to enjoy a plethora of activities. Technically, I could take part in so-Goopy-it-could-be-a-joke activities like a vitamin I.V. drip — which involved spending 15 minutes with a needle in your arm — a crystal reading, and even aura photography. Sadly, Paltrow had created the Disneyland of wellness summits: While the activities were enticing, the lines were too long to really want to wait for any of them. I really did want to see if I felt more energised with some extra pumps of vitamin whatever coursing through my veins — but I knew I would feel a lot worse if I missed an entire panel while waiting on my drip.
Okay, really, I didn't want to miss the 10-minute facelift, a small surgical procedure that was performed in front of hundreds of eager Goop fanatics. The facelift — done on a Goop employee whose face was pre-numbed before hopping up on stage — involved a doctor sticking a needle and thread through a woman's cheek in order to pull the sugar-molecule thread through her skin. The result? A tighter appearance, and at least a few nauseous members of the audience. It was, apparently, Paltrow's idea.
Fortunately, no other panel involved plastic surgery — no matter how non-invasive. The panels, which were spread out throughout the roughly nine-hour day, were, at least for me, hit or miss. Though Paltrow gushed about Dr. Habib Sadeghi, the first speaker of the day and the cofounder of Be Hive of Healing, he lost me pretty much immediately. I tried to keep up with his buzzwords and explanation for how our minds can manifest illness in our body, but eventually I settled for clapping politely. That's not to say that the man who coined the term "conscious uncoupling" — the explanation for which was the only part of his speech that I truly felt like I understood — didn't have a good chunk of the audience enthralled. Perhaps I needed to spend a little more time on Goop prior to the event. I felt like I had missed a homework assignment everyone else was clued into weeks ago.
The panel on sexuality included some authentic, hilarious commentary from panelists like Jenni Konner, executive producer of HBO's Girls. A second, about how our relationship with our mothers can affect us in our adult lives, was moving and not quite as lofty as the concept originally sounded. Eventually, I realised that I could get on board with panels that were more focused on mental and spiritual health than, say, ones about the physical body. I know for a fact that I am not going to remove the seeds from my tomatoes before eating them, or stop popping the occasional ibuprofen, as the doctors speaking at the "Gut Check" panel implored. But forgiving yourself for making mistakes, as the authors of The Tools suggested during their speech? That's advice I'll gladly take.
Photo: Marc Patrick
While I probably wouldn't have shelled out $500 for it, I did love watching Paltrow, Cameron Diaz, Nicole Richie, Tory Burch, and Miranda Kerr talk about their career goals, relationships, and unapologetic feminism, even if the panel was awkwardly named "Balls In The Air." Fashion designer Burch got real about how she was afraid of the word "ambition" when she was launching her now-empire. Richie — who is Diaz's sister-in-law, just in case you forgot that their partners are the twins from Good Charlotte — discussed moving on from being a stay-at-home mom to launching her own uber-successful career.
Of course, it wouldn't be a Goop event without the celebrities revealing the Goopiest shit that they do. Kerr talked about how her husband, Snapchat founder Evan Spiegel, inspired her to launch her own skincare line — then admitted that she had just received a leech facial, which, yes, is exactly what it sounds like. Kerr, bless her heart, took the leeches home in order to save them from being murdered by her aesthetician.
"And I thought I was batshit crazy," Paltrow mused following Kerr's admission.
Photo: Marc Patrick
The event concluded at around 6:30 p.m., in which Team Lapis was sent home with a goodie bag worth over $200. It was a damn good goodie bag: I scored two books from speakers of the evening, plus condoms, lubricant, a hair towel, towelettes, two bracelets, an oil-pulling kit, probiotics, natural deodorant, lip balm, and awesome moisturiser. One thing I'm not a fan of? The gigantic can of powdered collagen, designed to make my skin prettier upon mixing in water. (As a vegetarian, and also not as a vegetarian, hard pass.)
So, while I may not consider myself a card-carrying Goopie, spending the day in Paltrow's zone wasn't nearly as outrageous as I expected. At the end of the day, I left with a stomach full of veggies, a swag bag of useful stuff, and images of Miranda Kerr with a face covered leeches. No one made me eat clay either, so all in all, I'm considering the event a raging success.
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For the study, published in the journal Communication Monographs, researchers recruited 49 college-aged women — all who said they wanted to be thinner — to participate. The researchers then showed them varying images of thin, average-sized, and plus-sized fashion models on a TV screen, and monitored their psychological responses.
After looking at each image, the women answered questions about how satisfied they were with their bodies, and how much they compared themselves to the models.
Perhaps unsurprisingly, when thinner models were on screen, the participants made more comparisons between themselves and the people they saw. But when average-sized or plus-sized models were on screen, the participants made fewer comparisons, felt better about their own bodies — and even remembered more about those models than they did the thinner ones.
“We found overwhelmingly that there is a clear psychological advantage when the media shows more realistic body types than the traditional thin model,” Jessica Ridgway, one of the researchers of the study, said in a statement.
Again, it's no surprise that seeing more realistic body types in media has a positive effect on women. In fact, while most American and British women are average or plus-sized, images of these body types makes up less than 2% of what we see.
While what we say and think about our bodies matter most of all, it can still be hard to avoid the impact that other people (including the media) have on our body image. This new research, however, may just be a step in the right direction for more body positivity and representation.
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Millennials have been linked with both self-importance and an undying love of avocado toast. But according to the Huffington Post, real-life millennials aren't actually so keen on one of those things.
The site teamed with research company YouGov to figure out, once and for all, whether or not millennials are obsessed with the green stuff. Last year, when avocado toast hit its peak, it was being blamed for everything, from millennials' struggles with home ownership and finances to restaurants adding it to menus with the hopes that it would bring in a new clientele. But the numbers don't lie: While avocado toast was front and centre in the minds of millennials, they weren't actually eating all that much of it. And — gasp! — 65% of under-30 diners say they've never even seen it offered on a menu.
HuffPo found that "people aged 18-29 (a group mostly comprising millennials) are in fact not more obsessed with avocados than anyone else." Well, there goes that theory: People of all ages pretty much love avocados in equal measure. The researchers also found that only 6% of millennials have actually ordered avocado toast at restaurants — that's only 1% above older adults' ordering habits. And here's where the news refutes claims that avocados are a hurdle to owning a home: YouGov's number crunchers found that 14% of millennials report making their own version of the dish at home, giving restaurant versions a big ol' DIY middle finger. Only 8% of adults over the age of 30 reported going homemade. Who's thrifty now?
We're not saying that chowing down on green toast at home leads to saving tons of actual green, but trends are pointing to a higher number of millennial homeowners. According to Zillow's new site, millennials make up 56% of first-time homebuyers and almost half of all homebuyers.
Millennials may love taking photos of avocado toast, but in real life, they're not actually ordering it up any more than their older counterparts.
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As festival season kicks off, so begins the annual conundrum of what to wear. While we want to look our best, we don't want to be battling with a playsuit in a Portaloo at 3am.
From Woodstock to Glastonbury, festivals have a long history of putting style centre stage: the '60s saw bohemia rule supreme with the Summer of Love, and Kate Moss donned waistcoats and denim cut-offs in the early noughties, while in recent years, Alexa Chung has made city dressing acceptable for muddy fields.
Now that our favourite music events take place not just in rural England but on South American beaches, in European city centres and American forests, we're free to be a little more experimental with our outfit choices.
Whether you've nabbed tickets to Latitude or Sziget, Afropunk or Lollapalooza, we've assembled outfits for every occasion, come rain or shine.
This Monki jacket has the biggest pockets, so you can store all your essentials while pushing your way to the front.
Nothing is more Glastonbury than a long floral dress, and this Ganni number comes in the most flattering shape, the wrap.
Ganni Geroux Silk Wrap Dress, £355, available at Ganni
A trusty bumbag is always key, and this burnt orange Eastpak one will match the khaki jacket nicely. Trust us, the bum bag is back.
Eastpak Springer Smooth Orange Bum Bag, £22, available at Urban Outfitters
Dr. Martens are our festival go-to. Wellies are needed when the weather gets too much, but when there's only a patch of mud, these heavyweight beauties will last the weekend.
Dr. Martens Zuma Hiker Ankle Boots, £130, available at ASOS
If you have to wear a mac, make sure you don't look like you're going on a water ride at a theme park. This longline Warehouse windbreaker comes in their print of the season.
Warehouse Peony Pop Windbreaker, £99, available at Warehouse
Hunter is the unofficial sponsor of English festivals, and for good reason: reliable and more stylish than most, team this patent ankle pair with fishnet socks.
Hunter Original Refinery Chelsea Black Gloss, £95, available at Office
This slick embroidered bomber would look great with step-hem jeans or worn over a floaty dress...
& Other Stories Embroidery Bomber Jacket, £110, available at & Other Stories
... Like this simple button-down.
Nobody's Child Cream Stripe Button Through Strappy Midi Dress, £25, available at Nobody's Child
This bag is a summer essential; it can be worn three ways: as a bumbag, across the body, or over the shoulder. It's big enough to hold everything you need, but not so big that you get annoyed remarks from people stood next to you in the crowd.
This tasseled backpack is ideal for sunnies, towel, water and suncream.
Mango Lapel Leather Backpack, £49.99, available at Mango
We've had our eye on these Marni sandals since spring. Embellished, chunky, crossover and ultra-comfy.
Marni Embellished Neoprene Sandals, £580, available at Net-A-Porter
We loved Weekday's recent foray into sunglasses. Here, a classic shape gets a rose-tinted update.
Weekday No Smirking Sunglasses, £57, available at Weekday
This pastel-faded towel is super-cute.
Oysho Pineapple Beach Towel, £35.99, available at ASOS
Réalisation has brought us the most flattering shapes with their wrap tea dresses – their blouses are just as French-girl-cool, and we want them in every print.
Réalisation The Bianca Star Struck, £108, available at Réalisation
These cut-offs from J.Brand avoid hot pants territory with an elongated length and high waist. Tuck the blouse into them, and add a Western belt.
J.Brand Distressed Shorts, £211, available at Farfetch
This bag just looks like a holiday, doesn't it?
Dodo Bar Or Kashi Jacquard Bucket Bag, £165, available at Matches Fashion
Big shades from Céline to hide your hangover eyes in style.
Céline Cat-Eye Sunglasses, £229, available at Selfridges
These sandals are both on-trend (croc effect, patent, strappy) and sturdy for dancing through the night.
Whistles Kingly Croc Studded Sandal, £165, available at Whistles
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I’m sitting with Otegha Uwagba and she is breaking a taboo. It’s not sex, not drugs but cold, hard cash that we’re talking about. “People find money really awkward but I try to encourage women to talk about salaries,” she says. “I think you’d be surprised at how many people are relieved when you do.”
The idea of swapping salaries might make you squirm but Otegha’s brand, Women Who, is all about addressing issues head-on. Founded in 2016, the platform was born when Otegha, who held posts in advertising at Vice and AMV BBDO, found that she lacked creative fulfilment while she was working in male-dominated environments. She explains: “I think I took for granted the fact that most of my most rewarding and productive working relationships had been with other women.” Otegha decided to establish a network for women like her – “women who were still figuring things out” – and today, Women Who connects people through a weekly newsletter and events that include design masterclasses and group visits to the V&A. There are no barriers to entry; the aim is to make solid business acumen readily available worldwide.
Last year, Otegha self-published Little Black Book, “a toolkit for working women” that covered practical tips on everything from sending the perfect email and nailing a presentation to getting comfortable with self-promotion. In essence, it answered the kind of questions that, if the workplace were a classroom, you’d be too scared to put your hand up and ask. The original handbook sold out in two days and was swiftly picked up by a literary agent. The re-release, which is out on 15th June, is a slicker version of the original but stays true to its core value of a no-bullshit approach to business.
One of the most refreshing aspects of the book, and indeed of Otegha herself, is the dedication to exposing the difficulties of starting out on your own; the side that involves chasing invoices and irregular cash flow. “I think there is a real tendency to glamorise this #hustle and #girlboss culture without showing the really nitty-gritty side,” she says. “I think the fact that people feel empowered enough to pursue their own things if they want to is great but, like any business, there has to be a good idea behind it. I definitely don’t think freelancing or being self-employed is for everyone. I don’t try and pretend that it is.”
Otegha is quick to bolster her own advice with words of wisdom from other women who are experts in their field. Little Black Book includes a closing chapter with quotations from icons including the editor of The Gentlewoman Penny Martin, Refinery29’s cofounder Piera Gelardi and the author Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. Why? “Because you deserve better than made-up Marilyn Monroe quotes,” writes Otegha at the opening of the section. With that in mind, here are just a few of the founder’s top tips for women at work.
1. Be aware of when you’re being treated differently because you’re a woman and don’t be afraid to call it out We think of sexism as the big things – being slapped on the bum or instances of sexual assault – but sexism in the workplace can often be much subtler and insidious. It’s things like being asked to take notes for your male colleagues because you’re a woman and your default position is the secretary. So question whether you’re being treated differently because of gender. If you are, then call people out. I’ve done it once or twice and it’s very liberating.
2. Make an effort to introduce yourself Whether at work or in social situations, don’t just stand in the corner not talking to anyone. Go out, make yourself known, tell people what you’re about or what you’re working on – telling people what you’re passionate about is how important professional connections come about. Your network is never going to grow otherwise.
3. Ask for what you want Don’t assume people are going to read your mind. All too often women are conditioned to think that if they put their head down and work hard then the fruits of their labour will come. This especially applies when it comes to asking for more money. You can be surprised at how simple things can be when you just ask.
4. Educate yourself about finances Especially if you’re freelance or self-employed, it’s tempting to bury your head in the sand and hide from finances. But there’s a real sense of freedom that comes with having a handle on money. It never gets less boring, but I feel so much lighter having done it. Working with an accountant or having an accounting app like Xero will help make you more efficient.
5. Other women are not your competition Making a real, genuine, heartfelt effort to support other women is a really great feeling and also just good karma. It’s a cliché, but I do feel that a rising tide lifts all boats. It’s ingrained as a sort of patriarchal standard that women all have to be sharp-elbowed and compete with each other for one seat at the table, but we are better together than divided. This is key.
From snail cream to bee venom, the beauty industry certainly has an obsession with obscure ingredients. However, sometimes it’s the simple things that pack the mightiest punch. Take the humble seaweed, for example. This marine algae is currently making waves in the beauty world thanks to a flurry of new skincare launches singing its praises.
While slimy seaweed may get a bad rep at the beach, this nutrient-rich plant gives kale a run for its money in the superfood stakes. One of the hardiest crops on our planet, seaweed is packed full of magnesium, manganese, calcium, copper, iodine, iron, potassium, phosphorus and zinc. Not to mention that it's bursting with natural vitamins – in particular A, B, C, D and E – proven to boost immunity, improve heart health, and regulate hormones. And, of course, it will help your skin.
If you don’t fancy piling your plate with seaweed for breakfast, lunch and dinner, you can still reap its skin benefits via the products in your bathroom cabinet. Thanks to the alginates (acids that lock in moisture) in seaweed, it is excellent at soothing, hydrating and detoxifying the skin.
"The alginates work in the same way when it comes to skin and help to prevent it from drying out. They nourish, hydrate, and soften skin and soothe dryness, acne, psoriasis and eczema flare-ups, as well as removing toxins and cleansing pores, encouraging firmer skin tone and improving overall skin elasticity," explained Mark Sullivan of Living Sea Therapy, a Cornish brand pioneering skincare created with hand-harvested seaweed.
Whether you opt for a seaweed-infused soak, exfoliating scrub or detoxifying mask, getting your fix of this underwater algae couldn’t be easier. Click through to see our picks.
The closest thing to a dip in the Cornish sea without leaving your house, these bath salts are enriched with Living Sea Therapy’s unique Living Sea Complex® – a trio of sustainably hand-harvested seaweed varieties and a mineral-rich elixir sourced from the shores of the Lizard Peninsula. Not only will they hydrate and heal the skin, the mix of sage, chamomile and lavender essential oils will instantly calm a frazzled mind.
Inspired by the ancient Greek tradition of thalassotherapy (using marine-based treatments to revitalise the body and mind), Margate-based brand Haeckels decided to make the most of the abundance of seaweed just offshore. Incorporating it sustainably throughout its cult range, our standout choice is the cleanser. Combining seaweed with parsley seed, this gentle gel formula cleanses without stripping the skin.
Haeckels Seaweed Cleanser, £25, available at Haeckels
For an exfoliator that buffs and hydrates in equal measure, look no further than Sea In A Scrub from Plant Apothecary, a Brooklyn-based social enterprise creating chemical-free, environmentally friendly bath and body products. Combining mineral-rich sea kelp and healing sea buckthorn with a gently exfoliating sea salt, this luxurious scrub leaves limbs significantly smoother.
Harnessing the power of Atlantic kelp extract (otherwise known as large seaweed), this hydrating shower gel is a shortcut to soft skin. Blended with a cocktail of energising and awakening essential oils, including sage, rosemary, geranium and cypress, this is the ultimate Monday-morning shower option.
Ren Atlantic Kelp And Magnesium Anti-Fatigue Body Wash, £20, available at Ren
Enriched with Atlantic seaweed extract, this body gel-cream will hydrate skin and lock in moisture. Super-lightweight in consistency, it sinks in speedily, making it an ideal option for rushed mornings.
The Body Shop Spa Of The World Atlantic Seaweed Cream, £25, available at The Body Shop
Not just a great hydrator, seaweed can also work a treat on spot-prone skin. This 100% natural clarifying mask uses seaweed, green clay and rosehip to help balance oil levels and reduce spot-causing congestion. Use all over as a mask if you suffer from oily skin and congestion, or on specific areas as a spot-busting treatment.
I’m at home trying to watch Master of None when my thoughts start to tangle.
“I keep sneezing today. I also haven’t hoovered for a while – what if there are dust mites in my lungs? Can dust mites lay eggs? What if there’s a parasitic egg in my nasal passage and it grows into a tapeworm that relocates to my brain? Oh, what if my dog has that lungworm thing? He might be dying or already dead and no one’s told me yet. I need to text my dad and check if he’s dead.”
In that moment there are many things I could do to feel better: slow breathing, yoga, a bath or a game of Sims – but instead I grab a beer. Not because I think it’s the best option but because it’s easy, and I feel like I can rely on it to slow my mind and relieve the stomach-churning dread of anxiety.
Having suffered from anxiety most of my life, with particular emphasis on social anxiety, alcohol initially became an easy way for me to medicate the sweaty-palmed panic I’d feel when out in the pub with new people. As I’ve gotten older – and less sociable – my anxiety has become more generalised, meaning alcohol makes more sense in front of the TV before bed.
I’m not the only one using booze to manage my mental health. 29-year-old blogger, Sophie, suffers from depression and anxiety, and has previously been diagnosed with an eating disorder, psychosis and OCD. She’s had a love/hate relationship with alcohol since the age of 16: “My eating disorder despised it due to calorie content but my anxiety craved it to calm my nerves.”
Binge drinking fuelled much of Sophie’s teenage years and early 20s before she realised that the short-term relief made her long-term conditions worse.
“I am on lots of medication, which alcohol doesn't mix well with and I know overall I am much better avoiding alcohol completely as I drink myself into oblivion to try to get over the pain my anxiety causes.”
26-year-old Jade* started drinking to deal with her generalised anxiety and agoraphobia, caused in part by a chronic illness that had left her housebound. “A couple of shots of Cherry Sours for lunch and the anxiety quietened down. It worked. I started to feel numb (part of my illness includes alcohol intolerance),” she tells me.
This curing effect was a welcome surprise. “It started to become a regular occurrence and I'd be having some every weekday or when I had to face something that started to induce panic.”
Many of us drink to ease social anxiety but for 24-year-old Amy*, the anxiety was more extreme, meaning she couldn’t even make a phone call to the hairdressers or attend her classes without having a panic attack. “Around this time I went out with a few friends and got drunk. I think here I noticed the newfound confidence that comes with the right amount of alcohol.”
Beginning work full-time after graduating then opened her up to a completely different crowd of people; people whose daily routine was the pub at lunch and after work, too. So she joined in.
“I was at ease with myself and cracked jokes and was able to hold a genuine conversation without being so self-conscious. This eventually turned into a couple of drinks every day at lunch, and quite a few more after work every single day.”
Amy’s religion doesn’t allow intoxication of any kind, so when her family found out about her lifestyle, she was forced to reconsider how it was affecting her.
“I stopped drinking and found it easier to chat with people but never as easy as it was when I was a bit tipsy. I now drink socially rather than every day but I do miss that feeling and kind of feel like I'm missing out on something.”
I drink a beer or two every other evening. To my mind this isn’t such a bad way of managing my anxiety; it’s better than binge drinking and helps me to fall asleep after years of anxiety-induced insomnia. Chloe Brotheridge, an anxiety expert, hypnotherapist and author, disagrees.
“Alcohol unfortunately just masks the real issue and can hold women back from addressing their anxiety and making lasting progress,” she says.
It’s easy to view alcohol as a kind of costume, as though downing a glass of prosecco will transform you into somebody cool and calm. As Chloe reminds me, this is a facade that quickly wears off.
Photo: Alexandra Gavillet
“Alcohol might alleviate anxiety in the short term, it doesn’t address the core issue; your anxieties will still be there in the morning. Add to that the fact that for many people one glass of wine turns into one bottle and the 'hangxiety' the next day can be horrendous.”
Hilda Burke, a psychotherapist, couples counsellor and life coach, agrees, but also says that medicating anxiety with alcohol really depends on the person. “If you actually need that alcohol to feel you can relax then that indicates a level of dependency. On the other hand, if you sometimes just enjoy a glass of alcohol to relax and unwind that’s quite different.”
She tells me a better way to respond to anxiety is through befriending it. “Rather than running away from it or, even more damaging, worrying about the stress before it actually appears, gently get to know it. Sometimes this will involve some chair work where you try and engage in dialogue with the stress. Often it's a question of building up confidence – a reminder that you have dealt with and come through stressful situations in the past. It's important to hold in mind that the anxiety will not annihilate you.”
Of the women I spoke to, most had stopped drinking or at least learnt to moderate it.
“I started to focus on helping myself. The booze helped me get to a point where I wasn’t being as affected by my agoraphobia and I stopped feeling the need for alcohol as much," Jade tells me.
“Medication, and teaching myself coping mechanisms etc. have made a huge difference. I do sometimes end up using Diazepam, which sedates me in a similar way to the alcohol, but it's not something I depend on in the same way as I once did with alcohol.”
The first part of a quote by Leo Buscaglia goes “Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow” and sadly, the same is true of a bottle of wine. I’m still going to drink the occasional beer at home, but as a treat rather than a reliable way to feel better. For that, maybe a cup of tea and game of Sims isn’t such a bad idea.
*Name has been changed
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Porn is great, both to watch with partners and on your own for inspiration, but sex on TV can teach us as much – if not more – about sex than porn.
As well as the nitty-gritty – the how to, where to and why to – sex on TV also serves as a method of normalising those things women might be too scared to speak up about. How do we know that masturbation is something we're all doing when some of your friends are still too scared to talk about it openly? Because everyone on TV is at it. Which means that, like the characters their shows portray, so most likely are the show's creators, their friends, their partners. And hey, if it's happening on TV, it's a lot easier to talk about IRL, too. Case in point: Fleabag episode 1.
So, from the simple tips to more complex lessons about relationships, here's what I learned about sex from TV...
The importance of angles, positioning and style
While I would love to be body positive at all times, I'd be lying if I said I've never worried about what I look like in certain sex positions. From the width of my bum in doggy to the exact wobble of my boobs when I go on top, these things vexed me in the same way they vex any woman who's grown up in a society that tells her she should be neat and perfect and un-wobbly at all times.
The first lesson I learned from TV sex was the importance of angles and positioning. Worried about wobbling when you're on top? Place both hands on your head and play with your hair. Think you look weird in doggy? There's a reason TV shows have lighting directors – you can choose your lighting carefully to make sure you feel as sexy as you absolutely look. Feel sexier clothed than naked? There's no shame in that – check out the eye-wateringly hot lingerie on Mad Men and invest in some killer camisoles.
The actual 'how-to' of it all
There's something far more helpful and practical about watching actors on TV get into unusual positions – reverse cowgirl, against-a-wall, etc. – than seeing the simple illustrations in magazines. For example, it's easy for an advice columnist to suggest sex in the bath – far more difficult to actually do it, until you've seen the Game of Thrones scene with Viserys and Doreah, and realised that 'on top and very slowly' is the way to go. And you'll probably need a bigger bath.
But these lessons are simple, and ultimately cheap ones. Where TV box sets really add depth is when you consider the way sex drives the overall plot...
The importance of partnership
At the end of a hard day's machinations, Frank and Claire Underwood share a cigarette. There is so much sexual tension and relationship power wrapped up in this simple exchange. It symbolises taboos – the fact that when they're with each other behind closed doors they can break rules they'd never break in public. It demonstrates the give-and-take nature of their early relationship: one person taking their share, then passing the baton to the next. And above all it's personal in a way porn often isn't. So thanks to House of Cards for teaching me about intimacy.
Sex doesn't have to be about love
When I was very young, sex on TV was the climax of a series of dates. An expression of love between two (usually straight) people. Now, TV shows build much richer worlds and as a result, relationships are far more interesting. From the passionate hatefucks of Nancy Botwin in Weeds to the intense and almost indescribable friendship between Jimmy McGill and Kim Wexler in Better Call Saul, TV taught me that sex doesn't have to be all about romantic love. Hell, it doesn't even have to be about two people: just look at the incredible Westworld orgy for some hedonistic pleasure portrayal. That's a much more interesting lesson than the 'two people who love each other very much' storyline I was fed during sex ed.
Masturbation isn't taboo
Seeing people have sex out of boredom, horniness, nostalgia and myriad other reasons teaches us that we can do that, too. Solo sex is not only allowed, it happens all the time! On Girls, we were even treated to a scene where Marnie ran into the toilet to quickly masturbate because she was simply too horny to resist. TV taught me it was OK to enjoy my body without feeling like there had to be a deeper purpose to it.
When I was young, the TV show that would give me the funny flutters in my stomach was Moll Flanders. For those born a little after me, The Fortunes and Misfortunes of Moll Flanders starred the exceptional Alex Kingston as Moll (and also a very early Daniel Craig in britches). We followed her as she stole, cajoled, persuaded and fucked her way through 18th-century life. It was a far cry from love stories that positioned women as passive objects: Moll was the first TV character to show me that women could be the agents of their own destiny. Women could have hopes, dreams and ambitions as well as powerful sexuality.
Today, shows like Harlots take this message to the next level. Based on real stories, Harlots centres on the experiences of sex workers in the 18th century. Like the Moll Flanders I fell in love with as a youngster, the women in the show aren't just passive recipients of male attention. The women in Harlots sell sex and have power. They don't just giggle and flirt: they scheme and plot.
And yes, it's a show about sex work, so it includes plenty of hot scenes – the kind where you can pick up ideas and inspiration to take back to the bedroom later. But TV shows like these two have lessons for outside the bedroom as well as in it. Women don't just sit on the sofa, passively watching a world that men have created. We have power: we drive the plot.
Harlots: Series 1 is out on DVD and Digital Download now
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